Suddenly, alone

It was an icy cold afternoon, Thursday, Dec. 11, 2008, when Mark Studenic, 47, left work north of Beverly to return home to his family in Marietta.

Wet and icy roadways had been responsible for a rash of area vehicle accidents that day.

Plant manager at American Electric Power Co., Studenic was driving a Toyota Avalon east on Washington County 32 when his vehicle slid across the center line and collided with a westbound pickup truck.

Studenic was transported to Marietta Memorial Hospital where he was pronounced dead. The driver of the pickup truck was uninjured, but both vehicles were heavily damaged.

This tragic fatality was among several weather-related vehicle accidents that day, according to Washington County Sheriff Larry Mincks.

As she did most every day, Gaye Studenic, 47, awaited her husband's return.

"Mark had told me that if someone with the (highway) patrol, accompanied by AEP people, came to the house - I am dead," she said. "He had gone on those calls himself. As soon as I saw them, I knew. I only had 10 minutes before my children came home."

The death of a spouse is difficult enough, no matter what age or circumstance, but sudden, tragic, and unexpected death has an added element of shock and disbelief.

For a young widow, there are issues beyond bereavement.

Suddenly, you are alone.

The Rev. Don Archer, associate pastor of Christ United Methodist Church in Marietta, said people grieve the loss of a loved one differently. Some people want others close and around them throughout the grieving process, while others prefer privacy and being left alone.

"It's always helpful to ask 'specifically' what would really be helpful," Archer said. "People want to help, want to do something, but we don't always know exactly what to do."

The family is sometimes overwhelmed with well-meaning people and things initially, he said.

"But this all begins to taper off later on. One day you look around and nobody is there," Archer said. "It's always good to make an effort to contact the family weeks and months later, when additional support might be needed."

Archer said there is no right or wrong way to grieve and that each person struggles with grief in his or her own way.

Twila Schoeppner, 48, is a close friend of Gaye Studenic and before her husband, Bob, was killed in a hunting accident in December 2001, the couples were close too.

"Gaye and I both have strong faith and I believe that is what has gotten us through," said Schoeppner, the mother of four (one daughter is deceased) and grandmother of three.

"I had two young boys still at home and suddenly I was a single mother and had to be a dad too," she said. "It would have been so helpful to them if there would have been a man to step in and take them places and listen to their concerns."

Schoeppner said when her husband died, her support was gone.

"It is nice when someone phones and asks if there is anything they can do, or just to say 'How are you doing?'" she said.

Word spreads quickly

As word of Studenic's death spread throughout the area that icy Thursday night, phone calls of sympathy and concern poured in.

"Mark touched many lives and a lot of people were mourning his death," Studenic said. "It was the most defining moment of my life. There is no mental preparation and I had no chance to say goodbye. It was unreal for days. We were all in shock for some time."

Studenic found that her home quickly filled with friends, neighbors, and soon, relatives from northeast Ohio.

She appreciated every visit, every hug, each sincere condolence, but was soon exhausted.

"If I had to do it over, I would have put a message on my (answering) machine and designate someone to answer each call later on. I took every call myself and the phone rang off the hook for days."

It's been more than three months now since the family's tragic loss. Studenic just now can begin to speak about her experience in hopes it will offer help to others, both to widows and to those who love and comfort them.

"People want to help, but don't know how," she said. "If I were to suggest one thing helpful, I would say if you are not close to the family, don't come to the house. Send a card with a note, offer a card or note at calling hours, instead."

Her home was full of well-meaning people when just the closest friends, neighbors, and family were ones she needed most at that time.

"My sister came and stayed with me several days and that meant the world," she said. "We needed our privacy so much, especially when my husband's parents and family arrived. Finally, we just had to go into a bedroom and close the door."

There are no rules

Archer said there are no rules or guidelines for helping and showing concern and love to the family.

"A widow always expresses concern about how she should act. She wants to know, 'Am I acting appropriately? What will people think?'" the pastor said. "I tell them, be yourself."

For widows young and old, the emotions, concerns, fears, and issues surrounding a loved one's death are much the same, he said, whether the widow is 30 or 80 years old.

"It's a different ball game for young widows when there are still children at home," Archer said. "She needs to also find a way to support them."

Each of Studenic's three children, each a young adult, grieved their father's death in a different way. Counselors are available to help, she said.

"Now they worry a lot about losing me. They won't let me drive my little car and want me in a big car," Studenic said. "I was in the hospital for dehydration briefly afterwards and that was hard for them."

Widows need to take care of themselves first, she said.

A nurse full time for a private physician's office, Studenic has praise for their concern, scheduling flexibility, and understanding.

"You can't imagine the number of meetings and details that must be taken care of before and long after the funeral," she said. "Make lists of everything. I felt as if I was running a business."

Mark not only took care of all the family finances, but also did much of the cooking, she said.

"I was clueless," she said. "Thank goodness he was highly organized and wrote down all his (computer) passwords in a book. It took me three hours to balance the checkbook the other night, but I am learning."

Even today, neighbors and church friends are helping with meals several times a week and she is deeply grateful.

"I had 250 cards and I read every one and bawled through them all," she said. "Then the cards stopped coming. Now there are only bills in the mail box."

Each day of the week now, when the clock rolls around to 5 p.m., she finds herself listening for the door. Somehow, that is comforting.

"Expect him to walk through the door at 5:15 p.m. Dream about him," she said. "There is a void, a heartache. We were part of each other for 23 years, now I've lost part of myself. We feel robbed of our plans and dreams."

But through the past difficult months and weeks, life has surprised her.

"That we are still able to carry on, still able to function, to laugh and cry, has surprised me," she said. "Even though my heart is aching every minute. I give credit to my faith, my family, and friends.

"We're doing the best that we can do."

How they met

Gaye and Mark Studenic met at Myrtle Beach during a senior break from the University of Akron more than two decades ago. He was vacationing with his family and she was with friends.

For Gaye, it was love at first sight.

"I broke up with my boyfriend of three years," she said.

For Mark, apparently there was the same deep feeling.

"When I was going through some of his papers recently, I found a note he had saved all those years with my name and phone number scribbled down from Myrtle Beach," she said.

The couple were married 23 years and have three children, Drew, 20, Aaron, 17, and Sarah, 15. Drew is a student at Ohio State University and Aaron and Sarah are students at Marietta High School.

"We all love the beach," Studenic said. "We will go back, my children and I. I know we will go back one day," she said tearfully. "But it won't be the same without him."