“You are acting just like your crazy mother.”

“You are just like your deadbeat dad.”

Show of hands: How often have you been compared to someone and it did not feel good? Through my years of providing therapy, I have counseled several children (adult children included) who have been told by a parent that they are acting just like the other parent who everyone considers to be a despicable human being. This is usually a divorced parent. What this child knows is that the parent who says this has contempt for the other parent. So essentially what they are hearing is that they are acting in ways that make their parent despise them.

This is devastating to hear, and often produces a sense of hopelessness and despair in the child.

We can all do this to our kids. We see some behavior from them that reminds us of someone we hope and pray they don’t become. What really drives this action of saying “You are acting just like _____” is a triggered fear. Someone in our life has acted in a way that was harmful and when we see this behavior in our child we reactively point it out. This comes from a loving place of not wanting our child to turn out badly, but the delivery of this message can be poorly executed. What we want to communicate is “Act differently than this.” but what actually gets communicated is “You are just like the bad person I hoped you wouldn’t become.”

We all need a sense of significance as the unique human beings that we are. Its also true that we can act similarly to those around us and especially the people to whom we are related. So our kids will act at times like a parent, sibling or even one of their best friends. Rather than saying “you are just like ______.”, its actually more accurate to note “You are acting like ______ right now.” or ” That reminds me of something _______ would do.” This allows for the behavior similarity to be noted without pigeon-holing the person and defining them by that behavior.

If you are a parent, please be mindful of how you describe your child’s behavior.

Its always more effective to highlight the positive and desired behavior than it is to pay attention to the undesirable.

When it comes to children of divorced parents, it is extremely important that the child identify with the positive aspects of both parents. If you are divorced, and you see your child act in some way that reminds you of your ex-spouse, only share this with your child if its something that is positive and admirable!

Children will always look at what their parents point out. If you point out the bad, that is what they will remember.

So with this in mind, catch your children doing what is right more than you point out what they are doing wrong.

This is true even if they are acting like the ex-spouse you despise. If you have to point out how they acting “just like” that person, make sure its something admirable and positive.

Always be pointing your child in the direction that you want them to go. This will increase their potential to be the best human they can be. This is the ultimate goal of parenting!