You know how, when you ask folks how they’re doing, many automatically respond with, “I’m fine, how are you?” “FINE” might as well stand for “Feelings Inside Not Expressed,” because those folks aren’t telling the truth about how they feel. In most instances, those folks are lying!

Surveys of mental health show that anxiety is now the number one issue for women and number 2 for men (behind drugs and alcohol). One multi-site megachurch surveyed their members and found that 82% of their congregation reported dealing with anxiety and worry, 71% said they were struggling with burnout and stress, and 48% described themselves as “dealing with depression.” Generation Z (those born 1999-2015) has been called “the most stressed-out generation ever.” Forty-four percent of high school students report “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness.” Suicide is the second leading cause of death for those ages 10 to 24.

Folks aren’t really so “fine,” are they?

Still, studies have shown that people who have a close friend and confidant overcome the hurdles of life as well as those who seek help through professional counselors, often spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars in the process. God spoke accurately in Genesis 2:18 (NIV), “It is not good for the man to be alone…” People need each other; we all need friends.

By age 15, however, many boys report that they have fewer friends. Some of that is “on purpose”; the young men privately tell researchers that they fear being labeled “homosexual” if they have close friendships with other young men. Then, when these young men get married and have families, they report having even fewer friends. It’s no wonder young men often describe themselves as isolated, depressed and even suicidal. Forty-six percent of men are very lonely.

Ladies, if you’re relieved not to be included in that last paragraph, your relief won’t last long. Forty-five percent of you also describe yourselves as lonely and isolated!

The solution is to make and maintain close friendships.

Let’s define. A close friend is someone that can really be trusted; when they tell you that they will keep a confidence, they do. You can tell them that you’re worried about your mate, or that you’re struggling with a temptation or that your lifelong dream has been crushed. That will remain between the two of you. A close friend is someone who puts you on their calendar and you don’t have to worry about being overlooked or forgotten. A real friend tells you that they will be there for you, and they are, whether it’s tomorrow or 20 years down the road.

How can we develop those friendships that strengthen mental health and happiness?

First, we must be willing to take the risks of friendship. For a relationship to grow, participants must intentionally move beyond conversations about ball games, the weather or kids’ activities. It’s important to be cautious and selective about opening up to others, but if you always keep the relationship at a superficial level, that’s what you will get: superficial.

Time is the second ingredient in close friendships. Sure, there are folks who almost instantly make you feel so comfortable that it’s like you’ve known them forever. But you haven’t! Share your dreams and trials selectively and slowly, allowing some time to see if the other person responds with integrity (Do they keep your confidences?) and transparency (Do they open up about their own struggles and burdens?). Close, lasting friendships may begin in a few hours, but take years of practice to develop.

The last ingredient is integrity. You’ve heard it before, but its truth bears repeating: To have a friend, you have to be a friend. Don’t expect others to spend time with you unless you keep your commitments to them. Don’t expect folks to protect your secrets if you’re a gossip! Don’t expect to leave footprints (at least welcome ones!) in the lives of others unless you’re willing to allow others to leave prints in your life as well. Real friendships always run both ways, even if the traffic level isn’t exactly the same in both lanes!

So here’s your challenge: The next time someone that you’d like to get to know better asks how you are, don’t say, “I’m fine.” Tell the truth, and then listen to them. Proverbs 27:9 describes the blessing that may come: “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.”

Mark Wilmoth is with Pinehurst Christian Church, Marietta and can be reached at Minister@PinehurstChristianChurch.org